My Dearest Nicky,

The last couple of days has been some what of a fog of those last days. I remember telling Rev. Dottie that I was too selfish to let you go as if I could keep you. God, how I prayed that I could. It wouldn't have been fair to you to live with more damage even if you could have survived. At the time I couldn't see it. Seems the hospital had us on a rollercoaster of emotions leaving us not knowing really what to expect.

So many people came through those days. I think I remember who all came to see you. I know there was family there daily. Many friends came, too. People from church came to offer support and lift us all in prayers. I was surprised how many staff members from school came by to check on you as they were on Spring Break.

The days were difficult but the nights were terrible. I couldn't sleep though I was thankful to be able to stay with you day and night in PICU. I remember being so exhausted and knowing you must have been already, too.

I will never ever forget that last morning. It was the first time anyone had come by and wrote in the date on your eraser board. March 13, 2006. I stood there staring at it and knowing in my heart that they day would always be with us. As I soaked in the reality I leaned over and let you know you had my permission to let go. I kissed you and stroked your face. One of the nurses came by and I guess she knew as she gave me a hug.

I went to the waiting room and handed my cell phone to my mom. I asked her to call my Aunt Helen and let her know that you were dying that day. Then I turned towards the windows and just cried. I'm thankful I had the time to lay beside you for two hours first. It was comforting to snuggle you and kiss you though I cried through every bit of it. I'm glad you were surrounded by so many friends and family members during that time. I know they were answering my plea to pray for you so that you could go quickly and peacefully home to your Heavenly Father. Not all stayed as we were moved but I understand. It was mostly just family and our ministers when you were removed from life support. Again I was thankful for the hours I had with you after you left us.

Thank you for the precious signs at your passing. The picture taking place at the moment of your death has left as in awe of such a loving sign to leave your heart broken family. It forever sits on your memory shelf. Though we didn't receive your hand print until weeks later, it too, was a beautiful sign...the OK sign done with your fingers. I still place my hand up to it remembering all the times I stroked your hands over the years. More than I could ever count!

Precious memories I will forever hold in my heart though I'd give anything for more. Your memories and your love will have to carry me through the days that I have left here on this earth. Though today they seem too many I still concentrate on the fact that the time apart gets less with the close of each day. My eyes remain on heaven for there I will find my Heavenly Father and all of those who wait for me including you. One day my eyes will open to another world. One where the gates of eternity will open and beckon me in. There taking my hand will be my precious child with that beautiful smile full of amazement. Oh, what a joy that day will be! I can't wait for you to show me all you can now do with your newfound freedom! Fly free with the angels, my sweet child! Rejoice in the glory of Jesus and His Heavenly Father. One day I'll be there, too. I promise.

I love You with All My Heart,

Mom